Writers WRITE.

If there is anything more terrifying than sitting down to write something original, I'm not sure what it is. This from a girl who is scared of NOTHING. Well maybe sharks, but that's legit. And if I stay out of the ocean, I'm fine. I've been talking about writing for ages. Years, maybe. Last year I decided that I was going to develop the habit of daily writing if it killed me. It didn't, but I also found myself with a lot of journal entries that began with, "Today I ____". Completely uninspiring. And this word "inspired": I totally find it suffocating. I CAN'T get inspired, I don't KNOW what inspires me, I'm inspired by EVERYTHING, I don't even know where to START, it's all so overwhelming…maybe I'll just go fix a cup of coffee and see what's happening on Facebook.

Yesterday I was forced to face the fact that it's all a pile of nonsense, thanks to a dear friend who is facing the same wall. I can't start by writing something marketable, something that I think other people will want to read. I can't wait for a good time, or a perfectly staged life. I don't have to find a magic key to unlock my inspiration (because it doesn't exist), and if I'm going to be a writer, I have to shut up, sit down, and START WRITING. There, I said it: "I'm going to be a writer." AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Welcome to my writing world. I can't promise inspiration, though I think it will come. I'm pretty sure it's going to be messy, and I'm going to have to get okay with that, because (and believe me, with two artists for parents, I KNOW) creativity isn't very neat or orderly. (ARGH, again.) I'm not sure what this is going to be, except a place to start, and that's ok.

Stream of Consciousness

So tonight I saw a picture of a waterfall and then I started thinking about waterfalls.  And pralines.  And Nalgene bottles, and marathons, and the Opera House.  And then I started thinking about love.  And what the diffference is between loving and being IN love.  Heaps of people tell me I'm in love, and I wonder how they know?  I DO love, I definitely love.  I most definitely love.  But IN love?  I'm sure I even know what that means.  Does it mean you get all goofy?  Because that does happen, but then it goes away in a few days and I'm left wondering if I got blindsided by a truck or if I dreamt that I got blindsided by a truck?  And then I start thinking about writing and how I am incredibly intimidated about writing what I'm ACTUALLY thinking because of who might read it.  I wonder if I could possibly be a good writer, or even a great writer if I just flug caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they will.  And then I start thinking about love again, and wondering what it would look like the spend the rest of my life with the same person, and how I'll know that person when he shows up and if there is ONE person for me, or maybe there are many or maybe there are none?  And I wonder if I've already met him and he looks like a medical scientist with birds and a turtle and fish, or if he looks like cargo shorts and running T-shirts or a tall German with perfect hands and shoulders or a tenderhearted boy who married the wrong girl.  And then I think about the guys I've known who are truly the PERFECT fit of everything I've ever wanted except for that ONE thing, and then I go back to the waterfalls and pralines and Nalgene bottles.  And I wonder if I could learn to enjoy Shakespeare, and the Great Outdoors, and dressing up like the Lord of the Rings characters for parties.  And I wonder if it would be worth it, to give up my dreams of luxury accommodations for anniversaries, or probably remembering anniversaries altogether.  And if I really DON'T care about small hands or twelve years of life experience. And I realize that I DO care.  But I also care about trusting someone truly, madly, deeply, and it terrifies me that I even have the capacity for that level of trust because I know it's unrealistic and sooner or later there's a letdown that will most likely come.  And then I stop and breathe.  And just like with my writing, I'm flooded with doubts of whether I'm good enough, or interesting enough, or talented enough, or open enough, or too open.  And I revisit the journey, and (like writing) it's almost too terrifying to reread, and I'm tempted to just let it go and not look at it again, or to destroy any evidence it existed at all.  And then I realize that, despite the pain/loss/terror/unknown nature of how the story turns out, that (like writing) it's been a gift.  A gift of waterfalls, and pralines, and Nalgene, and laughter, and loving, and friendship, and memories.  And (like writing) I can live in fear of the gift, or I can simply let the gift flow where it will, trusting that God will guide me through unknown territory into the promises He has made me.  And I think of waterfalls and pralines and poetry and Shakespeare and breathe deeply, and I write. 

Home again

After an extended blogging hiatus, I've decided it's time for a return and a bit of a redesign.  If you read this  :), be looking for changes and a leap in post frequency (I say this partly to challenge myself to write) in the near future.  Meanwhile, a bit of a catch-up on life is way overdue. 

After my last post, I decided to finish my time at Hillsong College with the final semester of 2011, and I continued to live and work in Australia until August, before returning to the USA.  In retrospect, it was the best decision I could have made-I realized that being part of church for those months was just about the biggest part of the learning experience I had overall.  Looking back, I remember that when God called me to Australia, He said to go sit under the leadership there, but it was nine months later that He used the college to get me there-and a visa to keep me there.  And the church experience-sitting under that leadership-was transformational.  During those months of being part of the church and NOT the college, I got out of the college bubble a bit and saw what it was to actually be the church without the demands of college life forced upon you.  I think that college was vital-to get me to Australia, and keep me there legally, and to make friends with the people I met and have grown to love.  But the church helped me to understand what it means to be an effective representation of Christ on the planet.  I came home believing in the Church's capacity to change the world for the better and ready to work to make that happen. 

And so...at home, I am.  I miss Hillsong, but I don't miss Australia terribly-except that I went from Aussie winter almost directly into Ohio autumn/winter-BRRR!!!!  The weather has been a less-than-optimal adjustment (I like snow and cold, but not for months on end), and living at home with my folks has been good-interesting, but good.  Mom asked me to come home and help look after my grandma, which I've been doing for six months now.  Gram is healthy enough at 89, and sharp as a tack.  But she is rather high-maintenance and it can be exhausting to keep up with her demands for attention (she'd be appalled to hear that, so don't tell her.).  It's been absolutely lovely to be able to have this time with her to chat and gain insight into her life and perspectives, and even to share thoughts on what I've learned over the last few years.  I adore this time with her and I'm so grateful. 

As for how long this season will last, and what's next, I'm afraid I don't know.  I know it IS a season, and I feel like I'm meant to be preparing to hit the ground running for my next season, so I'm doing my best to stay faithful where I am, and to embrace these moments I have with my family, in the farmhouse surrounded by cornfields, devoid of much but full of love, living simply (and sparingly!) until God opens the next door. 

And that's about the gist of it all.  There's lots more to come, though...so stay tuned! 

<3 br="">

Finishing what's begun...

I've been in Australia for the last 18 months, studying at Hillsong International Leadership College for a Diploma of Ministry. This experience has been so much more than I ever imagined it would be when I started the journey. I was told by a friend and former HILC student to "drop your expectations, but come expectant" and I've done my best to follow his advice.
Through the college and my time at this incredible church, I have gained insight into the Bible, as well as my own personal leadership and my ability to effectively lead others. I have learned what it is to "use what's in your hand to fulfill what's in your heart", to be motivated to serve rather than to be served in church and work, and to look for opportunities to bless others at every turn. I have experienced the elation of meeting and being led by people I've admired from a distance for many years, and the loneliness of being separated from my family and watching my sister's kids grow from across the planet. I've lost my grandmother during this time, and gained many lifelong friends from all corners of the Earth. I have been inspired to use my unique gifts and talents to make the world a better place, and to truly follow Jesus' command to love God and love my neighbor. I have had times of being stretched so hard it hurt, and growing so fast I feel like Alice in Wonderland. The time here has been a blessed time to make connections with future leaders from around the world; to plan, hope, dream and pray for a brighter future for the world, led by a strong, loving, generous Body of Christ.
I have financed the experience on my own, and I've had amazing things happen along the way that have affirmed the path I have chosen. Many small miracles (is a miracle ever small?) have popped up along the way: unexpected housing, the loan of a car, a free plane ticket to get here are just a few examples of how God has provided for me to be here. I've worked to pay my tuition and living expenses while I'm here, and while it's been a challenge at times, I've always had enough.
I''m looking at the final semester at college beginning at the end of January, and I know that God hasn't finished with me here yet. However, I need a miracle of provision to be able to enroll to finish my course. I must come up with $4720 to be able to stay in college, and therefore in Australia. I have been working through the holidays, and have been able to just cover my living expenses by living frugally. Please believe that I have struggled with whether to ask for help or not, but as I've prayed and thought about it, I realize that my time here is not just for my own growth, but also for the others I may be able to equip and serve when I finish and move on to the next phase of ministry.

TIffany's, the Sydney Opera House, and Orchids

I had the most wonderful gift from a lady at college recently. She gave me two box seats for the Sydney symphony at the Opera House. After a magical evening that began with a steak dinner (filet mignon and a Hunter Valley Shiraz-yum) and ended with pink champagne, chocolate truffle gelato, and the most gorgeous orchids I've ever seen, I was thinking that I've been blessed to have attended several extraordinary events. I started counting them up and felt the need to list some of the amazing things I've gotten to do and see:

Artists:
Itzhak Perlman
Joshua Bell
Kathleen Battle
Sting
U2

Venues:
The Sydney Opera House
Severance Hall
The Kennedy Center

Places:
Sydney
Paris
Chicago
New York
San Francisco
Los Angeles
New Orleans
Amsterdam
Melbourne
Gothenburg
Kampala
Jamaica

Events:
Symphony
Opera
Light Opera
Chamber Orchestra
Play
Jazz Club-Chicago and New Orleans

I've gotten to:
visit four continents
visit 28 states
sing in an oratorio
go on safari
scuba dive in the Caribbean
try on diamonds at Cartier and Tiffany's
taste wines on three continents
live in a foreign country
own a dog
own an Empire Red KitchenAid
window shop on Rodeo Drive, 5th Avenue and the Champs-Elysées
fly first class to Paris
hike in a rainforest
shop Paris flea markets
swim at a colonial hotel in Africa
experience a complete day spa with my best friend from college
visit the Guggenheim, Smithsonian, the Louvre, the Museé d'Orsay and the Rodin Museum, Van Gogh Museum, Cleveland Art Museum, Chicago Field Museum and the Museum of Contemporary Art in Sydney

I'm sure there's about a million things I've not listed, but even so, I have had a VERY full life in my 40 short years. I can't wait to see what the next 40 hold!

For Courtney and Chris

and anybody else who wants an update of life in Australia. I've been promising this for awhile to those who are impossible to schedule a Skype date with... (bad grammar, Ski-but I'm leaving it this time.)

Ready to move on-in some direction. I've got work to do. I've been thinking a lot about what life will look like after Hillsong-while I still don't really know, there are some things that have come up lately that look interesting.

So, direction...

I feel like God's been defining things (some things!) for me over the last several months-and it really kicked in when we had our goodbye dinner for you, V!. My heart has always been for healing nations-but for years, I've defined it in a mostly physical sense. (You know-be a doctor, heal people.) I've realized that healing nations happens when you build people, and building people happens in community, where you get people encouraging and speaking into each others' lives about hope, destiny, vision and purpose. In the context of that, I looked around the table at dinner that night, and realized that we have formed community around my kitchen table in the last year...people have relationships around food. And food is what I'm good at-that, and networking people. So I think I'm supposed to heal nations by building people in community around my dinner table. Sounds crazy-small, but I think maybe it's crazy-big. And it could happen anywhere in the world. In fact, I've gotten more and more of a vision for home-the States as a base lately.

I feel like too, God's been growing my revelation of His church body. Just imagine if people really understood who they are and what they're gifted for, how healthy the Church would get?! I see Europeans understanding that their history of intellect, culture, the arts, stewardship, and even longevity (the European church having seen both the greatest abuses and the greatest revivals in history) are meant to build the Church-both locally and globally. When people get who they are and what they're here for, they stop looking at themselves and start looking around at building others. I SEE the church in W. Europe giving a hand UP to the church in E. Europe-mentoring, investing and bringing health to broken people who've been occupied for centuries, and breaking strongholds that perpetuate abuses like trafficking. I firmly believe that you can rescue and prosecute till you're blue, but the real change will come when the culture changes and people start valuing each other.

Just imagine, then-if a healthy Europe brought those things-history, longevity, culture, etc-to the global church as resource? And imagine, just regionally, if other parts of the world brought their strengths? Africans, with their extraordinary faith? Asia, with its extraordinary tenacity? South America, with its extreme passion? North America with our "If you can dream it, you can do it"/"sky's the limit" ingenuity and creativity? Then the church-The Church-gets healthy and can heal a broken world. THAT'S my vision. Not entirely sure how I do it, but I'm pretty sure it starts around a dinner table. :)

Aran did his prophetic thing in class the other week...he said to me, "God knows why you're here"-and I was like, I sure wish He'd tell me! I do know-but the worship aspect of things here still frustrates and baffles me. He said, "He will-you'll be doing something inocuous and one day the pennies will just drop, all the dominoes you've lined up in life will fall, and you'll know." He also said something to the effect that the next place I go won't feel forced (which here does a lot, you know), that there'll be a place for my gifts, and that it will be HOME. I have to admit, I like the sound of that-I'm a bit over feeling transient. He asked me last week what my plans are after I leave here, and I told him a bit of the above. He said to me, "You need a base to do this from-to go out and teach, and to write, and to take teams." He reiterated the "home" theme, and said that he thinks it will be the next place I go-or the one after that. Ironically, about six weeks ago, another friend from Hillsong asked me something similar-could I see myself being based in the States and taking teams to Europe or do I feel like I need to move to Europe? Also, my friend from home said something very similar to me a while back about having a base to take teams from...so definitely something to consider.

I've also been challenged about writing a book. Aran might have mentioned it briefly, and another friend-actually two, now that I think of it-encouraged me to do so...SO, I'm trying to hear what God's saying about that, too. We'll see. And as far as what happens after this place, well. I have some recent ideas about that, as well. I've been increasingly drawn towards Bethel's worship and teaching lately. I've always wanted to visit and of course I have several good friends there in Northern Cal. I don't want to do their school-this is my time for that here-but I would love to be able to get there for some of the teaching and the culture. They embrace the supernatural lifestyle more than Hillsong does, and I have been missing that. (Sounds so weird to say it like that, but I don't know how else to put it.) I was on their website the other day, and found that they offer a TEFL course during the school year on Thursday nights. I'd considered getting my TEFL license before I came here-you know you can take that anywhere in the world to teach English-so it's not a new idea. I will still have one year left on my science teaching license when I go home next year, and VA has reciprocity with CA for teaching, so I could get a job teaching for a year in/near Redding, be part of Bethel, and take the TEFL course.

So...lots of wait and see, lots of 'God's up to something', lots of learning to trust Him...and I've also been challenged lately about finishing well, and being where I am at the moment. I'm trying to stay on top of things, and really embrace the season I'm in -after all, who knows when or if I'll get to Oz again?


That's me for now. Keep your Donna in prayer, kiddos. Is it bad to say that I'm feeling increasingly like I want the girl thing-a home and a family? . We'll see what God has in store. I'm good if I have to do this on my own-because I'm with Him, but it'd be nice to have someone to share it all with. Until then-if it happens!-I've got plenty to keep me busy. :)

Can I just say that I love having you two in my life? Even if you are MIA often (and I do understand-though I hate it! :P) , I'm thrilled to know that you're out there, somewhere. I miss you dreadfully, but I'm so glad things are working well on the African front...I'm so excited to see what God does with you guys. I pray for you regularly-let me know how I can pray with you, and keep me posted on life in general. Can't wait till I see you again-and to find out where it'll be! Much love to you both...

m&ms musings

Blue m&ms are just weird. Food ISN'T naturally that color. I don't eat them unless I'm sure know that no one is looking, and not even all the time, then. And I'm bitter that they removed the tan ones because of them.

I'm still a little scared of the red ones, because of the red dye poison scare in the 80s.

I'm completely ambivalent about yellow ones. I wouldn't care if they stopped making them.

The brown ones are comforting...like, they're the color of chocolate, and you know they'll always be there to remind you that you are, in fact, eating real chocolate pieces. It's like they're a little slice of reality thrown into the rainbow.

I adore the green and orange ones. In fact, I eat them in pairs, so that I can get the full satisfaction of having had both.

I always eat my m&ms in a pattern...the pattern changes from time to time-sometimes entirely eliminating one color at a time, sometimes even-ing out the colors, sometimes eating them in order of preference-the point is, there's always some kind of pattern to it.

Finally, it is significant to point out that I really could care less about m&ms in general. However, I think it is also significant to note that-even though I don't care about them-I have very thoroughly explored opinions about them. In other words, I feel like my attitudes towards m&ms accurately introduce the pathologies that I have in life in general. While I could detail these for you, I'm already bored by this conversation, so I won't bother.

That is all.

February

...is come and nearly gone, without me writing CRAP. Which tells you just what kind of month this has been. :P

Just praying I can get in the swing of things soon. This WILL be a good year-if I have to drag it to "good" all year long...

:D ( <--This is me smiling through my gritted teeth...)